.png)
No, I'm Not Okay. Please Stop Asking.
The world is deeply uncomfortable with grief. It’s strange when you think about it—grief is one of the most universal human experiences. It does not discriminate. It doesn’t care about your culture, your beliefs, your income, your faith, or where you live. People die every day. Loved ones are lost. Pets pass away. Relationships end. Jobs are taken away. Homes are foreclosed. And yet, despite the fact that loss is a shared experience, being around someone who is grieving makes most people uneasy.
We are not taught how to hold space for deep sorrow. We are not given the tools to sit in the heaviness of loss with another person. Instead, we reach for the only things we know: “How are you?” “Are you okay?” “Do you need anything?” We don’t ask these things out of malice or indifference—most of the time, we truly want to help. But for someone in the depths of grief, these words can feel repetitive, hollow, and exhausting.
The Weight of Grief
Grief is not a straight line. It is messy. It doesn’t follow a timeline, and it doesn’t respond well to platitudes. Some days are okay. Some days are unbearable. And in the middle of it all, the constant questioning—“Are you okay?”—can feel suffocating.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” —Vicki Harrison
If you’re grieving, you may feel guilty for being tired of people asking how you are. You may feel like you should appreciate the concern. But here’s the truth: You are not obligated to answer every time someone asks. You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to say, “I appreciate you checking in, but I just don’t have the energy to talk about it today.”
It can be easy to snap out, “No, I'm not okay. How can you think I'm okay?” in the moment because we're so exhausted from everything. The weight of grief is relentless, and when you’re constantly asked how you’re doing, it can feel like an impossible question to answer. Sometimes, it’s not that you don’t appreciate the concern—it’s that you’re already using every ounce of energy just to get through the day. Having to explain your pain, over and over again, can be emotionally draining. So if you ever find yourself responding sharply, know that it’s okay. Your emotions are valid, and grief doesn’t always come out in a way that makes sense to others.
It's Okay to Not Be Okay
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to tell your truth. If you aren’t comfortable being completely vulnerable with everyone, you can choose a few people to let in—people you trust—who can hold space for you and really hear how you're feeling. If you are close to someone, let them know when you’re having a good or a bad day. Being honest and open about your emotions can be cathartic, because you’re not holding them in.
Losing anything causes intense emotions to arise, and just because the world tells you to “stay strong,” that doesn’t mean you have to. Emotions were meant to be felt and experienced. They were not meant to be bottled up and pushed down until you explode. You can still feel all of your emotions fully without letting them run your life.
Remember, big grief means big love. Love is one of the most beautiful parts of being a human. The only downside of loving someone is that when they are no longer there, you miss them and you feel that void. But isn't that a beautiful thing? You don’t want to go through life having relationships that don’t truly matter or mean something to you. So while losing someone you love is the hardest thing in the world, it would be a much darker place if you never loved them at all.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” —A.A. Milne
How to Communicate Your Needs While Grieving
If you are grieving and struggling with the constant questions, here are a few ways to communicate your needs:
Create a response that you can use repeatedly. Something like, “Thank you for checking in. I don’t have the words right now, but I appreciate your kindness.”
Let someone else update others for you. A close friend or family member can let people know how you’re doing, so you don’t have to repeat yourself.
Use technology to your advantage. A simple text or social media update can be enough to let people know where you are emotionally without having to engage in long conversations.
Set boundaries. If someone keeps pushing, it’s okay to say, “I know you mean well, but I just need space right now.”
Ask for what you actually need. If someone says, “Let me know if you need anything,” and you do need something—be honest. Maybe you need groceries, a meal, or just someone to sit in silence with you. Let them know.
How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
If you want to help someone who is grieving but aren’t sure how, here are some ways to offer real support:
Stop asking, “Are you okay?” Instead, try: “I’m thinking about you.” “I know today might be hard—no need to respond, but I’m here if you need me.” “I don’t know what to say, but I love you.”
Offer specific help. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try, “Can I drop off dinner for you on Thursday?” or “I can pick up some groceries—what do you need?”
Just be present. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply show up. Sit with them. Hold their hand. Watch a movie together. Let them be however they need to be.
Respect their process. There is no timeline for grief. Don’t try to push them to “move on” or “get back to normal.”
Remember important dates. Mark down anniversaries, birthdays, or significant dates that may be hard for them. A simple message on those days can mean the world.
Keep checking in—long after the initial loss. Most people disappear after the first few weeks. Continue checking in, even months or years later.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.” —Washington Irving
Giving Grace to Both Sides
Grief is hard—for everyone. It’s hard for the person carrying it, and it’s hard for the people who love them and don’t know how to help. But the more we learn to sit with grief instead of trying to fix it, the more we create space for true healing.
So, if you’re grieving, give yourself permission to take up space, to set boundaries, to feel everything. And if you love someone who is grieving, don’t try to make it better—just be there. That is enough.
Comments