The Impact of Losing a Parent as an Adult

Feb 205 min read

The Impact of Losing a Parent as an Adult

Losing a parent is something we all know will happen one day, but no amount of knowing or preparing makes it any easier when that day comes. It is a seismic shift in your world—one that leaves you feeling unmoored, lost, and fundamentally changed. As children, our parents are our first source of love, protection, and guidance. Even as adults, they remain anchors in our lives. When they are suddenly gone, it forces us to confront the harsh reality of mortality, grief, and a new version of life without them.

I grew up in a Navy family, constantly moving from state to state. I was 10 when the moves started, and from that point on, every 18 months or so, we packed up and started over somewhere new. Five states in eight years. Because of this, my parents instilled in us the belief that family is everything. My sisters were my best friends, and we did everything together. After a few years of being spread across different states, we finally all made our way back to Kentucky. My sisters returned after high school, my wife and I in 2015, and my parents were the last to join a few years later. Once we were reunited, family time became automatic, once again. Weekends were spent at my parents’ house, holidays were celebrated together, and big events were never optional. It wasn’t a question of whether we would get together—we simply did. That was our normal.

Then, in an instant, everything changed. My dad died suddenly, the day after we celebrated his 52nd birthday. No warning. One moment he was here, the next he was gone. Before I had a chance to truly process that loss, my mom—my rock, my safe place—was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma. Nine months later, she was gone too, just two months before her 52nd birthday. In less than a year, we went from our normal family-focused life to absolute chaos.

I don’t know what’s worse—losing a parent unexpectedly or watching them struggle and suffer from a terminal illness. Sudden loss is a brutal shock. Watching someone you love deteriorate is a slow, aching pain. Both are unbearable in their own way, leaving wounds that never fully heal.

1. The Weight of Sudden or Expected Loss

Some people lose a parent unexpectedly, like I did with my dad, and are thrown into shock. Others watch their parent decline from illness, like I did with my mom, grieving long before they take their last breath. Neither way is easier. Sudden loss feels like the ground has been ripped from beneath you. Expected loss brings a slow, aching pain that builds over time. Either way, when they are gone, there is an emptiness that nothing can truly fill.

Even though we all intellectually know we will one day lose our parents, that knowledge does nothing to dull the pain. We still hope for more time, for more memories, for a future that includes them. Losing a parent, no matter how ‘expected’ it is, still feels like the world has shifted on its axis, leaving you grasping for balance in an unfamiliar reality.

2. You Become the ‘Older Generation’

One of the strangest shifts after losing a parent is realizing that you are now the ‘older generation.’ The safety net you once had—someone to call for advice, comfort, or just to hear a familiar voice—is no longer there. The people who once cared for you are gone, and now you are the one responsible for carrying the family legacy, traditions, and memories forward. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call mom. We talked every day, multiple times a day. Dad was always helping me with something around the house. The last thing we did together was build a wall of custom bookshelves for my office. We hadn't yet put the finishing touches on them. Almost 3 years later, I still haven't finished them. There's so much that my initial thought for is "I wish I could call mom about this." But, I can't.

This realization can feel overwhelming. There is an eerie sense of finality, as if a door has closed to your childhood and any last remnants of being someone’s child. You might feel an immense pressure to be ‘strong’ for others, to take on responsibilities that were never yours before. But strength doesn’t mean carrying it all alone—it means allowing yourself to grieve while finding ways to honor their legacy.

3. Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timeline

Society expects adults to grieve and then move on. But grief doesn’t work that way. It comes in waves—sometimes small and manageable, other times overwhelming and all-consuming. You might be fine one moment, then completely undone by a song, a scent, or a holiday tradition that now feels empty. There is no ‘getting over’ losing a parent. There is only learning to live with the loss.

If you are struggling with why you aren’t “over it” yet, remind yourself that grief is a process, not a deadline. Some days, you will function well. Other days, you won’t. And that is okay. Healing isn’t about forgetting; it’s about learning how to carry your grief in a way that doesn’t break you. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be "over it." I'll just have learned to live around it.

4. The Physical Toll of Grief

Grief is not just emotional; it is physical. The exhaustion, the brain fog, the heaviness in your chest—it is all part of the process. Taking care of yourself can feel impossible, but small acts of self-care matter.

Tips for managing the physical effects of grief:

Prioritize rest. Grief is exhausting. Listen to your body and allow yourself to sleep more if needed.
Eat nourishing foods. Even if you have no appetite, try to eat small, nutritious meals to keep your energy up.
Move your body. Gentle movement, like walking or stretching, can help release some of the tension grief builds up in your body.
Seek professional support. Therapy, grief groups, or even talking to a trusted friend can provide relief when the weight feels unbearable.

5. The Guilt of Moving Forward

At some point, you will find yourself laughing again, making plans, feeling joy. And then the guilt will creep in. How can life continue without them? Am I dishonoring their memory by being happy? These feelings are normal, but they do not mean you are forgetting them. Your parents would want you to keep living, to find happiness, and to carry their love with you as you move forward.

Give yourself permission to find moments of joy, even in grief. It is possible to hold sadness and happiness at the same time. Healing does not mean erasing the past—it means learning how to live with it.

6. Navigating Relationships After Loss

Losing a parent can change your relationships with others. Some people may not understand your grief, expecting you to ‘move on’ more quickly than you can. Others may withdraw, unsure of what to say. At the same time, grief can deepen some connections, bringing people closer in shared loss.

If you feel isolated in your grief, seek out those who understand. Join support groups, talk with others who have experienced similar loss, and give yourself grace as you navigate relationships that may shift in unexpected ways.

7. Honoring Their Memory

Moving forward does not mean leaving them behind. There are so many ways to keep your parent’s memory alive—through traditions, storytelling, journaling, or even small daily reminders of their presence.

Ways to honor your parent’s memory:

Create a memory box. Fill it with photos, letters, or small keepsakes that remind you of them.
Continue their traditions. Cook their favorite meal, celebrate their birthday, or carry on something they loved.
Write to them. Journaling letters to them can be a therapeutic way to process your feelings and feel connected.
Speak their name. Keep their memory alive by talking about them, sharing their stories, and keeping their legacy present in your life.